Happy Thanksgiving

Someone I know made a blog post the other day about the things for which she is thankful. As I read the post I was shocked to find the things that have happened in her life. Shocked and proud. And yet a little ashamed of myself, too. I'm not afraid to admit that, with the holidays fast approaching, my family and friends somewhere beyond the sea, and a nearly empty bank account dictating that I can't buy lavish gifts for them this year to compensate for the 5,000+ miles that I willingly put between us... I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself.
I knew when I made the decision to move to England that there would be bad days. Sad days and hard days. But I didn't really think about the fact that there would be, without doubt, days where I wanted nothing more than my people and my things. Because while my husband's people and things are truly wonderful... they're not mine. Not yet. I didn't spend 25 years developing bonds with them, and it's not, and probably never will be the same. It can be great, but different. In time.
I stop and think about the fact that I've been here, in the Queen's country, for five months now. Five whole months, and not much has happened. I only just got my visa, we still don’t have our own place. I still feel a pang in my chest and a knot in my throat 8/10 times I speak to my family and friends back home. I still feel the hurt when I hang up Skype and feel unfulfilled with crackly conversations. I feel guilty for leaving when there was still so much to learn about people, so much more love to give them, so much more deepening of relationships possible. And I start to panic: was I too hasty? Should I have given this more thought before I gushed about moving off to another country and marrying a guy with a sexy accent? I mean its every girl's dream! Five months and it still doesn't feel like home.
But then I stop and think about how in life, five months is really nothing. Let's say the average person lives 80 years. That's 960 months. Nearly 1000 months to live!!! That makes 5 months roughly .52% of your life. Less than one percent! It's when I realize things like this that I have to shake off and take a step back. It is not reasonable or fair to get frustrated with myself because I haven't gotten an entire restart to life figured out in .52% of my time here on this earth. It is ok to feel like I don't have my ducks in a row. Only .52% . It's ok to feel like this isn't home yet, especially when I spent another 31% building a life somewhere else. Half of a percent of my life. I will not let half of a percent of my life dictate what the next 657 months of my life will be like. Actually, that’s silly to say. No matter what I want, think or feel… it simply won’t dictate the rest of my life. This is a hiccup, a rut, a funk, a waiting room before I can get the rest of my life going. Things will get better, and in time, Mick and I will be able to do things and make adjustments that will make England a home. We haven’t been able to do many of these things, just because of the whole visa situation- the waiting room.
Everyone has always said the first year of moving far, far away is the hardest time. So is the first year of marriage. And, just because I never like to do things the easy way, I did it all at once, guaranteeing an emotional rollercoaster. And, oh boy, has it been just that.
So while there are things that will never change (I will probably always feel empty after I hang up the phone with certain people, I will probably always feel a little bit guilty, and there will most definitely always be days when I want to crawl into my old bedroom at my parents house, lay on the floor and think of all the fantastic memories), there are the things that will, and that’s what I need to focus on right now. I need to focus on the times Mick and I will have, searching the housing section of the paper for our first flat, a place to put the bed-sheets-pillows-plates-vases-chairs-tables-sofasfor which we’ll spend hours searching hand in hand. A safe, happy place to raise our children and fall in love with them. A place to put our life, not so much the things, but a place to put the things that represent our time together, and our love.

Now, let’s get on with that very Thanksgiving-y bit of this post - the things and people for which I am grateful.

My own strength
I think I’ve seen myself as a very weak person most of my life. As a little girl, I literally had panic attacks every single morning at the thought of going to school and being separated from my mother. It’s taken a lot of therapy, a lot of medication, a lot of feelings of worthlessness and insecurities to realize that I was quite the opposite. I may not have achieved greatness, but I have achieved goodness. I am a fierce friend, a loving daughter, granddaughter, sister and aunt, and a passionate wife. None of my shortcomings, though they be many, take away from my strong points. In fact, I think the fact that I’ve overcome (i.e. learned to accept and live with) those shortcomings has added to my strong points. My weakness has made me stronger. So much so that I’ve been able to do this very big thing without popping a single Xanax in almost a year.

A sense of adventure
It surprises even me that somehow, in that terrified little girl, stirred a soul wanting to break out and see the world. The one everybody thought would stick very close to home wanted adventure enough to go out and find it.

My mother
Where do I even begin? I am beyond grateful for a mother who pushed me, and still does to this day. I am so, so blessed to have a mom who was able to stay at home and raise me, not only for the typical benefits of such a thing, but because I got to know her extremely well. My mom is not just my mom, but she is my best friend, and no matter where I live, she always will be. I went into pretty deep detail in a previous post about all the things my mom has done for me, how she’s gone above and beyond the call of duty, even though there are no boundaries to a mother’s love. I think the most important gift my mom has given me is the hunger to have my own children someday, so that I can love them the way she loves me. I am grateful to have been raised by a woman who doesn’t hesitate for one second before going out and buying Christmas decorations for her daughter and son-in-law’s first Christmas tree after being told that we can’t quite work them into the budget this year. Something about that really tugged at my heartstrings – I think basically the knowledge that she is still there to take care of me. But I think, above all things, I am grateful for the fact that even though a twelve hour flight separates us, I still feel as close to her as I did when she was one bedroom away.

My father
My hero, my superman. My father is that strong, deep rooted tree. Never changing, always reliable, and always, always, always, beautiful in his dedication to the things he feels are most important: working hard to provide for the people he loves, being more of a listener than a speaker, and giving sound advice when he does. I am grateful for the things my dad has instilled in me, including a solid work ethic, an appreciation for my ancestry, a love of history, and a deep and abiding dedication to doing the right thing. I love hearing the stories from his childhood, which differs greatly from mine – stories of getting into trouble on a farm and riding motorcycles with his friends. I think I ache the most over being away from my dad, because there have just always been so many things I wanted to say to him, but never seemed to find the right words. Maybe I can find them now, and I hope my mom shows him this (he’s not the most tech savvy person): I am grateful for my dad because he is the person I want to be. I still want to be just like daddy.

My Grandma Flo
Though Grandma Flo died when I was 16, she taught me that if I have only two pennies to my name, I still have one to give away. I am so grateful to have been shown so much generosity by this beautiful woman, and miss her every day. Her lesson has stuck with me, because even though my savings account is dwindling away, I have that urge to give and share.

My dad’s parents
Your traditional down home, Irish Catholic cow folk family. I am grateful to see what love looks like sixty years down the road. My grandparents met when they were five, began dating in high school and never loved anyone else. I am grateful to see such an example of love and loyalty.

My brother
Time changes a lot of things, but one thing it will never change is that I still want to follow my big brother around. I really don’t think that any little sister in the world was as lucky as me. Gone are the days of playing Ninja Turtles and Matchbox cars together. Gone are the days of watching him play video games and watching out for bad guys with him. No more pretend WWF, him on his knees and one arm behind his back to make it more fair to his six year old sister. No more Mambas and Cactus Cooler brought home to me from his biking adventures with his friends. But now we have other things- a shared love for sushi, hiking, the same lame but fantastic sense of humor, numerous instances where we’ve both walked away from a funny situation with sore cheeks and a stitch in our side from laughing so hard. I am grateful to have a big brother who never made me feel like I was anything but the coolest little kid around, and like he was as lucky to have me as I was to have him.

My sister
My sister is a decade older than me, and by the time I was nine she had already moved out, but I’m often surprised to find out how much we have in common. This year she has achieved so much in her career, and my pride has driven me to tears at least once. She is so much like my dad- hardworking and dedicated and so, so driven. She is an amazing mother, a fantastic story teller, with a snappy, witty sense of humor and one of the most efficient women on the planet. I’ve often wished that we were closer in age so that we could have been closer growing up, but now I find myself feeling really lucky to have someone who has experienced so much more than me. I am grateful for the chance to watch her be the mother, wife, and driven amazing women I hope I can be, too. I am grateful that I get to learn from her and love her the way only sisters can.

My niece
That same amazing sister of mine gave our family a beautiful gift almost exactly four years ago (with the help of her lovely husband, Fes, who I am also grateful for and love like he’s been a part of this family since before I was born). Little Ella was born with a slate blue eyes and a soul wrapped beneath layers of blankets that we would all swoon over. This little blonde haired, blue eyed angel has cast her spell on our family and nobody can remember what it was like before she was born. She is scary smart, gentle, kind, generous, hilarious, full of pure, unbridled joy and wonder, and if you looked up the word “magic” in the dictionary, you’d see her face as the definition. I am grateful that I have such an amazing little person to bestow with cuddles and kisses and toys and candy.

My friends
I have far too many special friends to dedicate a section to each of them, so I’m going to focus on the two who have been the biggest influences in my life.

I met Tabatha when I was two years old, and therefore don’t remember a time in my life when she didn’t exist. We grew up across the street from each other until that fateful day in 1996 when my dad, mom and I moved to Arizona. All along the way, I have loved this girl and she has loved me back. She comforted me during those daily panic attacks on the way to school, taught me how much fun it can be to get into just a little bit of trouble, and shared her beautiful imagination with me. I’ve seen her struggle, but most other people would have no idea that there was anything other than candy and rainbows in this woman’s life. There is never anything but a smile on her face and a silly remark on her lips. She is the most happy-go-lucky person I have ever met and makes the best out of every situation. I am grateful to have a friend who has seen me through crayons, nail polish, training bras, funerals, weddings and birthday parties, and that I’ve been able to be there for her as many times as she’s been there for me.

I met Brittany when we were both in college, studying to become teachers. We instantly became good friends, rounding up our long, uneventful night classes with Hamburger Helper and Harry Potter movies at her house. Brittany and I have watched each other grow from college students to full time working teachers. We’ve shared shattered relationships, and the joy of creating new, life changing ones. I’ve listened to her frustrations with motherhood, and she held my hand through a devastating, 3 month long emotional breakdown. I fell in love with this girl- with her ability to adapt to any situation and fight tooth and nail to get what she wants out of this life. I am grateful to have a friend who is willing to drop her very full list of obligations to help those she loves.

My in laws
Mick’s mom and stepdad asked no questions when we got engaged. It was understood and accepted happily that we would live with them until we got on our feet. They have really helped us out and made it possible for us to be together. They also helped a lot with the wedding, and so did his dad. The financial and moral support from his family during this time has made all the difference. I’m also really glad Mick has a sister- it’s like a built in friend, and she’s really cool. I’m grateful to have been welcomed into a family like this.

My Husband
Ah, here we are. You might think that this one would be the easiest, but in fact, I find it quite difficult to put just how grateful I am for Mick into words. I think that there are a lot of people in the world that you can be happy with, and then there is that one person who encompasses everything you need and love. Mick is my best friend, my family, my partner in crime, my alter ego, and the love of my life. I always knew (mostly because my mother reminded me of it during those difficult teenage years where I probably made her extremely frustrated on a daily basis) that it would take a special kind of guy to love me. Well, Mick is certainly special. He has his days, but most of the time he is incredibly patient with me. He lets me be sad when I miss my family and reminds me that it will get better. He shares in my joy (when I am sad, I’m very sad, but oh, when I’m happy, it’s euphoric). I wouldn’t want to spend my life loving or arguing with anyone else. And isn’t that exactly how marriage should be?

This Blog
I am really grateful to this blog, and to the people who read it. Writing in here during the engagement, wedding plans, after the honeymoon and through visa applications has really helped me. I’ve always loved writing, and have always been better at expressing myself with my fingers than with my lips. I really think that coming here a few times a week has helped me with this transition. Sometimes I sit down to write a little something and the thoughts that come really help clear my head. Thank you for sharing this journey with me, and I hope you stick around for the rest of the ride.

Wishing you and yours a very peaceful Thanksgiving, full of cheer, love, and good food. May we know, each and every day, how truly blessed we are. I ask that when you sit down at your table tonight, you remember those who are far away and want nothing more than to be sitting next to you. Including me. God bless.