For Mom

My mother started a tradition with my sister, her oldest child. When each of us graduated with our bachelor's degree, she made us a quilt. I chose pink and green and toile. And with love and patience, she stitched a beautiful masterpiece.

The other day my mom asked me, “how could you move like that?” She didn’t mean it in any harsh way. She and I are very different people, and she just meant she personally couldn’t do the massive thing I have done- quitting my job, leaving everything I know, and starting over in another country. I always knew that it would be hard for my mom when I left.
But it made me think- how could I, the little girl who used to have a panic attack every day before school and couldn’t spend the night at a friends house without wanting to go home in the middle of the night, become this woman who did what I did.

And then I got this quote, and I think it answers both my mother’s and my own question.

"Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible."  ~Marion C. Garretty

And it’s true. I’ve always had anxiety problems- most of the time it’s underlying, but other times it’ll flare up and can be pretty debilitating. When I was a kid, I wanted to quit school because I hated it so much, and I had a literal phobia of going to school until I was about twelve, as well as separation anxiety. But my mom and dad pushed me, because education and socialization is very important and they didn’t let me drop out and get home-schooled. I begged. I threw fits. But because my mom and dad loved me enough to not give in (and to go through the panicked battle with me day after day after day after day) and do what was best for me, I was able to finish elementary school. I was able to finish middle school, high school, earn an associates degree and graduate with honors with a Bachelor’s degree.

And then, when Mick came back in my life two years ago, I knew I would have to make a decision at some point. It was difficult for me, because I knew that for he and I to be together, a lot of things in my life were going to change. I worried what my parents would think, what my brother and sister would say. But I found the answer within myself. I found the strength to do what was best for me, because I’d seen my mother do it for me when I was a little girl. I saw her say no to the easy way, and do it the right way.

So, to answer my mom’s question- I was able to move away because I did what she did- I knew what was best for me, and even though I knew it would be hard, I did it anyway. She loved me and did the impossible, so that I could, too. 

Although a Mother's love isn't a love I understand just yet, I do know some about it, because I've been on the receiving end. I've also watched my sister grow with motherhood; I've seen how she looks at my niece and listened to her talk about just how much that gorgeous little girl means to her. So while I don't yet have my own children and can't completely grasp what a mother feels, I have an inkling, and I am thankful to be loved in such a way by such a remarkable woman, and for the opportunity to love her back with a daughter's love.